Well, there's nothing like fitting in and to help you in your efforts we stumbled upon The Roanoke Rapids Drivers Manual, Second Edition, Abridged Version, so you can be among the more than 680 people who've been involved in crashes so far this year, the 75 involved in them in October, the seven last Friday and the six Wednesday.
First off, anything you've learned in drivers education or through DMV manuals, throw out the window, you're in Roanoke Rapids now, it doesn't matter.
In Section 1 we remind you to always keep your cell phone in one hand and your Sun Drop in the other. We wouldn't want you to miss an important text from your boyfriend or girlfriend telling you it's time to hang out behind Forest Hills Texaco before the cops come chase you off.
We know it's important to quench your thirst and then use the bottle or can for spitting. Or, you might just want to form it into a device to smoke Smarties so go ahead and grab that drink and let the light from the cell phone you've got in your other hand illuminate your beautiful face.
In Section 2 we cover Old Farm Road. Yes, it is your personal freeway and you should feel free to pass anyone who is driving the posted speed limit of 25 or at least tailgate those idiot slowpokes in front of you. Never mind that it is a residential section or that kids might be riding bikes — it's your personal I-95.
In Section 3 we tell you when you go up or down the hill and curve at River Road to do it at the fastest speed possible to cause the most alarm and fear to the oncoming driver. Please make sure you swerve as far out into the oncoming lane as you can. It's not their fault they don't know the rules of driving RoRap style. Hit them with your best shot.
According to Section 4, and popular Roanoke Rapids folklore, there is no “Left Turn Must Yield on Green” sign when you're coming out of Lowes Home Improvement and turning left onto Julian R. Allsbrook Highway. If there is, ancient aliens must have erected it as a joke because no one heeds it.
Section 5 addresses turn lanes, which are for idiots. Your mission when using a turn lane is to be the first to get in the lane, even if it means cutting the driver in front of you off. It's a fun way to get in a crash.
When coming to a stop sign, as addressed in Section 6, please rush up to it like a bat of hell so you scare the driver to your left or right into thinking you're not going to stop. The kids always love this one and who knows, the law-abiding driver may swerve and hit a house.
Section 7 should be Section 1 but since we're driving in Roanoke Rapids there is no law, no order, only driving chaos when we tell you turn signals don't matter. It is better for the other driver to guess your intentions because it will make him or her a better motorist. The stem you use to activate your signal lights to indicate a left or right turn is only good for hanging tree air fresheners. Air fresheners are also addressed in Section 8 as they are the only valid use for your rearview mirror.
The kids will love Section 9, the one that says tag your friends' cars on all windows, including the windshield. There's nothing quite like driving with “I luv you, Boo,” smeared on all windows of a car.
Section 10 is quite simple. Make your truck as loud as possible so all the attention will be focused on you and so you can drown out any warning horns in the event of near collision. Horns, covered in Section 11, are only to be used as greeting devices although the author of this manual is guilty of that. So what? There are no rules. The same goes for owners of four-cylinder imports. Please compensate for the shortcomings in your manliness by making your Civic sound like a bumblebee. It's way boss, man, and let us assure you, the chicks dig it.
According to Section 12, at all times when you're coming out either side of Walmart, please turn into any oncoming traffic. Oncoming drivers always like to be scared out of their wits.
Subsection B of The Roanoke Rapids Drivers Manual doesn't forget motorcycles. It's a rather short section.
Section 1 simply says rev your engine at every stoplight and stop sign. Loud pipes save lives. Hearing to motor vehicle passengers is secondary.
Please, according to Section 2, weave erratically in and out of traffic and drag your feet on the pavement.
Section 3 addresses attire, which means the bare minimum of clothing. Shorts and no shirts are preferred as are sandals and flip-flops. Bulky vests, chaps and proper boots are just too darn hot and clunky and don't show off your ripped, Insanity chest or your Bud Light beer belly.
Section 4: Motorists are at fault — always.
We hope this informational manual has helped you in your quest to belong in Roanoke Rapids. Remember, forget the rules, don't use signals and enjoy your brief stay here. Copies also available for Virginia and Ohio drivers — Lance Martin
