While I'm nestled in bed with visions of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models and thoughts of a Utopian Roanoke Valley where we live in harmony and all get along across racial lines dancing in my head, you will be one of those intrepid visionaries saving a couple of bucks on stuff.

For your brave and noble adventures, not unlike the mighty treks of Lewis and Clark, where you forge unknown territories and chart raging seas of bargains in flotillas of squeaky shopping carts, battle-scarred from Black Fridays of yore, I will give you some shopping tips handed down to me from grizzled veterans of past conquests.

The first rule to follow is that big box stores are the only place to do your Black Friday shopping.

It is imperative that you bloat the economies of Raleigh, Richmond and Petersburg so we remain a Tier 1 county that makes us feel sorry for ourselves and makes other people mock our self-pity.

There are no finds on Roanoke Avenue, no stores like Tillery Designs that have fine wines, no stores like Pepper and Doughtie's that sell unique items, no bakeries like Bakery and Simply Divine Cakes that cater to your sweet tooth, just to name a few. There are no stores on Premier Boulevard that could save you gas money.

You'd be too tired from all that Black Friday shopping anyway to support a local business on Small Business Saturday.

When you're in country with your thousand-yard stare, remember it's not your shopping rival's property until the item is in their cart and even that is open for debate.

Many shoppers will give up after seeing an enemy place their grimy hands on an interactive puppy that will be thrown in a closet a year from now.

Use some carefully chosen expletives and snatch it from their paws and move on. This sets the festive tone of mass, spiritless consumerism, buying items that will be met with a less-than-sincere thank you and returned the day after.

While standing in line, pat the side of your coat like you are packing heat and loudly say that anyone who lays a hand on those Beats by Dre headphones will die. Sure, it's a little over the top, but so is avoiding human contact and saying you're high on the caste system by covering your ears and keeping your eyes peeled to the ruts in the sidewalk.

Keep your purse open and in your shopping cart. This is the easiest way to give someone who otherwise wouldn't have a happy Christmas the joy the season brings by allowing them to buy stuff with your stolen cash or credit cards. Giving is the idea behind the season.

Be prepared for fights to break out over trendy gadgets that will become obsolete by the time you leave the store. This is your opportunity to play the spoiler and grab the item they were fighting for.

Before you leave for your brave journey with other roving packs of bargain hunters, it is your solemn duty to announce on social media every so often that you are “shopping until I drop,” or doing that “Christmas shopping thang.” Be sure you have location notifications of your phone on so thieves not trying to steal your credit cards while you hunt for Frozen gifts can break into your home.

Pack all your items in the backseat of your car, remembering to lock your doors. Most thieves would never think of trying to break into a locked vehicle because taking your valuables is not worth the risk of a slap on the wrist in court.

If an item you so desperately wanted is sold out, be belligerent.

Already tired store employees will be thankful for your assertiveness and will try to cater to you and only you next year.

Don't ask them if there's another place that might have the same item or if there's a possibility of ordering one even though it might take a little more time and might cost you a dollar or two more. You're a person who wants what they want when they want it. We'll know all about it when you blast on social media using hash tags like #nevershoppingthereagain, #imdonewithbigboxstores and #thenerveofsomepeople the horrid experience you had.

If the press should be there covering Black Friday tell a reporter everything you're buying so the young'uns will know what they're getting and can be disappointed ahead of time.

It sounds like a swell time to me, but I think I'll pass on the tales of adventure and woe so I can dream of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models and a Utopian Roanoke Valley where we all get along across racial lines — Lance Martin