The reason — a brutal hack attempt on the control panel coming from what is believed to be an IP address in Asia.

My question is why would anyone in Asia really want to hack rrspin.com?

After giving this matter much thought, well a few minutes of thought after waking from a dream-filled fog, I have several theories.

One is they probably wanted to avoid the pitfalls of operating a theater that once had Randy Parton’s name on it. I suppose they wanted to cut out confusing financing arrangements that include variable rates and just stick with something simple.

I thought better of that, however, because I figure if you look at Hong Kong and Japan, there are plenty of entertainment venues to go around so maybe they were trying to sneak in an editorial about how the area simply needs a multiplex cinema.

Then I thought about that crazy man in North Korea, that maybe he was trying to install a nuclear detonation application on the website so the next time I mentioned fantasy football in a column the world would be a shell and we wouldn’t be subjected to more news about Justin Bieber’s growing insolence.

I thought, however, maybe they weren’t attempting a hack for evil, maybe a delegation from India and Pakistan wanted to post results of cricket matches to our sports page.

Maybe someone from Oman just wanted to drop by and say, “Hey, we matter, too.”

The most logical explanation is the hackers, instead of just copying and pasting, decided they wanted to steal four years worth of my various columns, especially the funny ones.

How else are the repressed people of North Korea and China going to learn about the joys of comfortable socks, ink pens made especially for women or even just have a good laugh over an uproarious fake interview with trash cans.

The lessons they could learn about Libertarian politics would do themselves and their leaders well, plus they could learn a thing or two about the joys of American football instead of having to feign interest at team handball.

Four years of stellar columns about alien conspiracies and Greek philosophers talking about hemlock dealers has got to be better than reading stale, Cold War era propaganda in some Siberian outpost.

Plus, I’m sure, they got a kick out of trying to download my two columns about holly trees on the avenue or learning there was a day set aside for people to eat chicken sandwiches at a fast food restaurant.

All joking aside, the end of the story is thanks to the vigilance and diligence of The Computer Guy and Company right here in Roanoke Rapids these villains weren’t able to crack the website and for that I’m grateful.

Next time, just read the columns, rrspin is free — Lance Martin