I wasn’t going to write a column today because, honestly, this whole Zen, Chi, Karma, and Jedi thing I believe in is off.

I figure, however, a nice sardonic column may help get me out of my funk.

I used to do these at other papers I worked at and now I bring you my Halloween costume column that is a list of costumes I would choose if I were of legal age to go trick-or-treating.

Most of these are probably going to be political because you all know how much I love politics and the men and women who are politicians, people who essentially say what they believe you want to hear so they can wreck your life for two or four years.

And, of course, there’s probably going to be an athlete or two thrown in and that shouldn’t surprise you.

1. Cam Newton, quarterback of the “South Carolina” Panthers. Picture me in a Newton jersey being pushed in a baby stroller. To me, the greatest thing Cam does well is whine and be a baby.
2. Mitt Romney, republican candidate for president of the United States. This would be a complex costume that would involve many paper-mache heads to capture what Mitt is speaking at what event. As Bob Dylan sang in I Shall Be Free, “Now, the man on the stand he wants my vote. He’s a-runnin’ for office on the ballot note. He’s out there preachin’ in front of the steeple tellin’ me he loves all kinds-a people.”
3. Barack Obama, incumbent president of the United States. This would be a complex costume because I’m not sure wearing a wet dishtowel would be comfortable.
4. Brian Wilson, injured reliever for the World Champion San Francisco Giants. The man with the grounded and focused beard is a Zen hero of mine and that’s about as much love as the Giants can get from a Dodgers fan.
5. Ron Paul, disgraced Republican presidential candidate who was shunned by his own party. I would dress in an altered Captain America costume where my shield was the Constitution because, as you’ll find out after November 6, Ron Paul was right.
6. Tony Romo, quarterback of the dreaded Dallas Cowboys. Just walk down the street dropping the ball or throwing it to strangers and you’ve got instant costume.
7. The Constitution of the United States. In some political circles, namely Republicans and Democrats, it’s a forgotten piece of paper that can be altered at will.
8. Sean Payton, disgraced coach of the New Orleans Saints. Black and gold prison stripes would make up the bulk of the costume and I couldn’t go anywhere to trick-or-treat because I’m banned.
9. Herm Edwards, former player and coach and now commentator. I love this man.
10. Lance Martin, editor and publisher of rrspin.com. Lance has rarely dressed up for a Halloween party in his life and the times he has the results were uninspiring, much like this column — Lance Martin