Tomorrow I will not go to the polls and have a clear conscience about it because I voted early.

Next to sliced bread, early voting is perhaps the greatest achievement in modern history. If you could put butter and fig preserves on early voting it would be better than sliced bread.

I always find my early voting experiences pleasurable in much the same way a dog finds sticking its head out of the car window pleasurable or how a cat finds a way of terrorizing you pleasurable.

The best thing about early voting, at least where I early voted, there was no one ready to tackle you and shove a pre-marked sample ballot down your throat for lunch.

I don’t like the taste of pre-marked sample ballots because they taste like backroom politicking or in-church political sermonizing.

Calorie-wise, I’m sure they’re better for you than toast with butter and fig preserves, but I’d rather be force-fed lead paint chips than be forced to listen to someone delaying me by telling me how to vote.

I make my own decisions on the issues and you shoving a pre-marked sample ballot in my face is only going to make me want to vote against your candidate or cause.

Campaigning should not be allowed within 100 miles of the polling place just like you should never stick anything smaller than your elbows in your ears.

The other great thing about my early voting day was Amendment One. I didn’t have someone slapping me in the face with the Bible shouting nonsensical rhymes about Adam and Eve and Adam and Steve or have someone strangling me with the Rainbow flag shouting nonsensical Village People lyrics.

Just for the record, I voted against Amendment One, just to give the rumor mill fodder because I don’t have a girlfriend right now and because I believe it is not the government’s business what consenting adults like Adam and Eve, Adam and Steve or Sarah and Eve do in the privacy of their own homes.

If you want the government sniffing around your homes then go right ahead or hang out at an airport and let the TSA violate your Constitutional rights.

Fortunately when I early voted there was no one from the Obama camp hanging out with Secret Service agents and call girls at the polling place and no one from the Romney camp telling me what I wanted to hear so, being an independent, I chose the Republican ballot and voted for Ron Paul. I voted for Ron Paul because I don’t want the TSA looking for sock bombs or thinking my tube of Arm and Hammer toothpaste is anything but toothpaste and because he respects the privacy of Adam and Eve, Adam and Steve and Sarah and Eve.

It was a perfect day. Early voting always is a perfect day and I’ll be thinking about you while you’re having a pre-marked sample ballot for breakfast and I’m having toast with butter and fig preserves.

Please, however, don’t let me keep you from voting tomorrow. I just know what’s best for me and, seriously, the country, state and county need your votes whether it’s today, tomorrow or last week and whether you vote for or against Adam and Eve or Adam and Steve— Lance Martin