Well it’s that time of the year again and time for another edition of big, bold Super Bowl predictions.
I don’t think I’ve done them regularly because I’m not the type of person who tries to be predictable.
But I figure I’ll give it a shot this year because other column ideas I’ve had were either too complicated or fell flat. I’ve been known to write those types of columns in the past that either rile folks up or get no response at all.
As far as the game, I’m going against my better judgment and loyalties to the Washington Commanders and picking our NFC East rivals Philly to win it all. It doesn’t mean I’ll be rooting for them because I’m not.
OK, end of column right?
Nah. This year there’s a lot more to predict than just a game because it’s ripe for disaster for reasons you will see.
So here goes:
A Kansas City fan will be suckerpunched by an Eagles fan before kickoff. You know it’s true. It’s in a Philly fan’s DNA to be violent.
Football purists and average folks like us will be priced out of attending because it’s become a celebrity event.
The president, who plans to attend probably because it’s on his beloved Fox, will make some ugly, vulgar, comment or gesture towards Taylor Swift, who also plans to attend because her boo Travis Kelce plays for the Chiefs. This remark or gesture will be a signal. Thousands of preteen, teen, young adult, mom, dad and grandparent Swifties who are attending because they heart Taylor and Travis will rise to the ugly comment or gesture and in a very menacing way rush to the president’s box like Saquon Barkley breaking and running free to his first touchdown. You don’t want to cross a Swiftie because they’re more loyal to their hero than the January 6 treasonists were to their president and the lies of a stolen election. The attack of the Swifties will make the president sweat and his best buddy Elon Musk will whisk him away in a special SpaceX Tesla rocket car to the prez’s MAGA Lago compound in Florida — oops, my bad, that’s Mar-a-Lago compound— where he reassesses his life and decides to lose the arrogant schtick and be a nicer person.
A Kansas City fan will be suckerpunched by an Eagles fan before halftime.
Philly receiver A.J. Brown will get to the jawing with a KC defender to the point a shoving match ensues and Brown forcibly removes the defender’s helmet yet the unsportsmanlike call will go against the Chiefs — just like in the NFC championship game against Washington.
Kendrick Lamar will diss either Drake or the president or both in his halftime performance. Editor’s note: This one was not original to me because I saw it on the internet.
A Kansas City fan will be suckerpunched by an Eagles fan before the end of the third quarter.
Travis will propose to Taylor if the Chiefs win. If they lose, Taylor will propose to him and Travis will shed double the tears from the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.
Many folks will just be watching the commercials.
Many folks will be watching to see if their bets covered the spread. Some will laugh all the way to the bank and others will cry they squandered their hard-earned money.
In the end, getting back to my original game prediction, Barkley will run roughshod over the KC defense, Jalen Hurts will score at least one brotherly shove/tush push TD as the seasoned Eagles keep the Chiefs from earning a three-peat. Final score: Eagles 31, Chiefs 17.
A Kansas City fan will be suckerpunched by an Eagles fan before the presentation of the Lombardi Trophy. Sorry, it’s just in their nature because some of you might remember they threw snowballs at Santa — Lance Martin