Since folks have already got their Christmas decorations up, some before the end of Memorial Day it seems, I thought I’d take a stab at an early holiday column.

One night last week in a tossing and turning fit I thought how big the North Pole airport would have to be to facilitate all the UPS, FedEx, DHL and contracted aircraft for the USPS bringing toys in before New Year’s Day ahead of the big Christmas Eve in the coming year.

I’m sure the North Pole air traffic control elves get paid a handsome salary for the headaches this would present.

That question really didn’t help me sleep so throughout the days leading up to Thanksgiving, I had a another question for my friend Gemini*

(*See the October 11, 2024 posting on the opinion page by Lance Martin entitled What can 83 cents a month buy you? A little or a lot. This was the first column based on answers provided to me by Google’s Gemini. This column does not fall under the paywall so you’re getting my wit and witticism for free although my wit and witticism may be worth more than 83 cents a month and I don’t outright beg for Facebook stars, which apparently translate to cash, after copying and pasting law enforcement press releases)

I typed a question for Gemini to answer. How many employees would it take for Santa to deliver toys to all the children in the world?

I figured this question would blow Gemini’s circuit boards, motherboards, memory circuits and power connections but good ol’ Gemini, the same AI who told you you were getting a bargain for the 83 cents a month rrspin subscription fee replies, “Let's break down this festive problem into smaller parts.”

First there are assumptions*

(*Immediately I thought these assumptions would include taking into account a labor dispute between Santa and the United Brotherhood of Elf Delivery and Dock Workers Union; problems that could persist if the incoming president deems elves immigrants out to eat your pets and puts up a North Pole border wall; the incoming president implements huge tariffs on Christmas presents crossing the border that the Sovereign Continent of the North Pole refuses to pay because it squashes Christmas cheer, much like China might do and there goes the promise of cheaper prices; or simply a civil war between the North Pole and South Pole breaks out. Everyone knows, as history has taught us, the North would decimate the South because, let’s face it, a penguin is no match for a polar bear and I love penguins)

No, in figuring its assumptions and I believe assumptions are a good thing, similar to a hypothesis, Gemini posited the following:

Number of children: Let's assume there are around 2 billion children in the world who celebrate Christmas.

Delivery time: Santa has one night to deliver all the presents. Let's assume he starts at 7 p.m. on Christmas Eve and finishes by 7 a.m. on Christmas Day, giving him 12 hours of delivery time.

Delivery speed: To simplify, let's assume Santa can instantly travel between houses.

Delivery time per house: Let's estimate that it takes Santa 1 minute to enter a house, deliver presents, and exit*

(*We also need to assume that all parents participating in Operation Christmas Cheer before the North Pole border wall goes up have given Santa a code that allows his elves entry into the house without having to fear the outgoing North Carolina lieutenant governor will pump their tiny hind parts full of lead)

Then come the calculations that make me a believer, not only in the time it takes to blink your eyes for Gemini to come up with an answer but the answer to the age old question — Is there a Santa Claus? Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, who gave members of the United Brotherhood of Elf Delivery and Dock Workers Union a new contract that includes new health benefits, 401(k), candy cane and mistletoe bonuses and four-week vacations.

The calculations are thusly presented:

Total delivery time: 2 billion children at 1 minute/child = 2 billion minutes

Hours of delivery time: 2 billion minutes at 60 minutes/hour = 33.33 million hours

Number of elves needed: 33.33 million hours /12 hours/night = 2.78 million elves

“So, theoretically,” Gemini says, “Santa would need approximately 2.78 million elves to help him deliver presents to all the children in the world in one night.”

Gemini is quick to point out in a humorous way this is a simplified calculation and doesn't account for factors like time zones, varying distances between houses, and potential traffic jams in the sky*

(*And you know, Facebook keyboard warriors are gonna bring that up or say why is this news? It’s not news. It’s an opinion piece, a humorous column, posted on an opinion page, whose author isn’t begging for Facebook stars. And, at the risk of repeating myself, I will say again nor does it account for North Pole border walls; gun-happy former lieutenant governors; a civil war between the North and South pole so the boys in gray can take take over Santa’s kingdom; or high tariffs that the Jolly Old Elf refuses to pay) 

Says Gemini: “Let's hope Santa has a highly efficient team of elves!”

I believe Santa has an extraordinary team of highly efficient elves, Gemini, especially with their contracts and no North Pole border wall to contend with. For now that is — Lance Martin